A Retro Review – Two Crude Dudes

Hit play above for in-game music from this title

Scroll below for review

presents a


by

	(Sega Genesis)
	(Beat em’ up)
	(Single/Multiplayer)
	(Coolness guaranteed)
	(Average game)
	Rad setting and concept Twangy soundtrack that fits your surroundings Ridiculous enemies provide plenty of character
	Character movements are slow and clunky Lack of variety causes increased staleness Forgettable graphics
	Despite a ‘tudey coat of polish that gives it much more character than it probably deserves, Two Crude Dudes overemphasizes the crude by adding little to the genre with poor controls and uninspired gameplay wrapped within a single-celled simplistic premise

---

Story

In the incomprehensible future of 2010 (insert facepalm now), a nuclear explosion in New York City has decimated the entire metropolitan area leaving it in a pile of rubble. 20 years later, the cities already near-futile rebuilding efforts were interrupted by an organization of mullet-haired henchmen and mutant freaks armed with never before seen technology known as “Big Valley”. Retaliating in kind, the government decides to hire a couple of mercenaries known as Two Crude Dudes to go in and take care of everything (of course instead of sending in the military) promising to pay them both handsomely upon the removal of this destructive terrorist group.

---

---

Overview

Two Crude Dudes is a side-scrolling beat em’ up designed for 1 or 2 players where you take control of one of the titular heroes and continuously bash your way through Big Valley’s army of thugs until you reach their leader (the mad scientist). Attack options for the dudes include the obvious punching and kicking but you can also grab and throw many objects found throughout the world such as rocks, signs, cars and even your fellow crude brother (if playing multiplayer). Additionally, vendor machines can be found at different times throughout your journey and struck to release individual cans of soda which replenishes health and gives extra points.

There are 6 stages in total with each one consisting of groups of enemies assaulting the player(s) who must be defeated in order to progress from the beginning of the level to the end. Most of these adversaries are simple henchmen but there are also mini-bosses as well as a main boss that must be defeated once you reach the conclusion of the level that you’re currently on. The game’s difficulty can be adjusted to one of three options for adaptability purposes with harder settings increasing the amount of opponents that you’ll face at a given time. Melee your way through Big Valley’s motley crew of radioactive thugs and defeat the mad scientist in the last encounter to complete the game. 

---

---

Cast

Biff (main protagonist) Named after his favorite comic book sound effect… master of the posedown

Spike (2nd player protagonist) Biff’s beefcake bro prepared to provide reason for plurality in the games title

The Government (protagonist support) Perhaps the game’s true hero, this anonymous entity’s cold hard cash is the only thing that has the power to instigate Biff and Spike into action otherwise who knows where we’d be!?

Heavy Snake (antagonist support) An unasked for conjoining of Gene Simmons with Jake “the Snake” Roberts, Heavy Snake flops around in his platform shoes while whipping his serpent at you representing one of the more mediocre challenges overall from Big Valley’s repertoire

Master Reaper (antagonist support) With scythes for hands and an unmatched reach advantage, this oaf appears quite intimidating however his slow speed makes him more than easy to dispatch through stick-and-move tactics

Rhino Man (antagonist support) Big Valley’s master of the gore, this stubborn strong-man looks pretty gnarly and attacks with straight-forward horn charges but give him enough body slams and he’ll eventually regress back into his endangered hole

Tiny Leo (antagonist support) Originally one of the 3 Gill Boys, this extraordinary clone morphs into a werewolf-ZZ Top creature with a ferocious demeanor and no dignity towards his lack of clothing making his demise all-the-more urgent

Nail Spider (antagonist support) Arguably the pinnacle of hideousness in Big Valley’s mutant variety pack, this 4-armed spider-bodybuilder kills it as a juggler and offers a stiff enough challenge to be considered a top lieutenant in the Mad Scientist’s army

Mad Scientist (main antagonist) The frail looking shot-caller behind Big Valley’s inception has one more trick up his lab-coat sleeve… come on is that your REAL name???

---

---

These Soda Machines Only Respond To Violence (XL section)

Man, what a story ! I mean, what’s not to like about a post-apocalyptic wasteland (New York in this case) populated by weirdos who need to be taught a lesson through harsh aggression? Do we really need to know why the government sent in 2 “dudes” instead of strategizing a legitimate retaliatory effort with armed forces? … NAHHH! It’s probably better this way anyhow. Grab your sunglasses, knee pads and red hair-dye – this is Two Crude Dudes !

Seriously though, the tale of Two Crude Dudes is actually kind of cool and right up my sci-fi loving alley. New York City getting ravaged by nuclear explosions only to be left an irradiated wasteland … SIGN ME UP! Further perusing of the instruction manual uncovers more interesting tidbits like the Crude Dudes specific names (Biff and Spike… REALLY?) and also the revelation that the destruction may have been the cause of our very own government as opposed to a terrorist attack which adds a surprising layer of depth to the story. During this time, a mysterious scientist working in a skyscraper high above the city has conducted numerous experiments on several post-nuclear holocaust survivors and created an army that has taken over the broken metropolis which he calls “Big Valley” . Now the government could (and probably should) retaliate with the full brunt of their military but I’m guessing that not too many of them were jumping at the chance of risking a strange growth by traversing the radiation-filled streets on this mission so instead they sub-contracted it out to a pair of oafs who obviously feel right at home among the fallout… the Two Crude Dudes . Sounds good enough for me!

If the “Two” in the title wasn’t obvious enough, the game can be played either single or multiplayer so technically playing it by yourself should change the name to One Crude Dude but whatever. There are several options that can be changed before starting your adventure such as difficulty, the amount of lives/continues and your button layout. Additionally, a sound and music test is available for those that are so inclined. As you enter the game, you’ll take control of one of the Dudes (who perform exactly the same but look slightly different) on their epic quest to obtain sodas  and cold hard cash  for neutralizing the mutant threat that is halting the rebuilding effort of the mostly destroyed city.

Basically the goal (not unlike any other you can find in the genre) is to utilize whatever offensive options you can to defeat enemies and navigate the stages from beginning point to end. The levels are presented in more of a “flat 2-d” perspective (similar to something like Shinobi or Castlevania) rather than the typical pseudo 3-d isometric view that is more commonly found in these types of games. The attacks here include a stubby punch and kick as well as a grab which works to throw enemies and random objects. Weapons can also be obtained throughout the levels and they can either be used as a projectile (such as throwing a car or signpost) or picked up and swung (like the metal pipe). Additionally, jumping moves can be used not just for extra mobility (love that ground roll) but also to dispatch your foes including the always useful jump kick and an interesting “air grab” maneuver which grapples aerial enemies (among other things) and brings them down to the ground for body slamming satisfaction!

Meanwhile, Big Valley and its alliance of anarchist derelicts waste no time in coming at you with the full array of their arsenal as they flock the screen to try and take the Dudes down. The ranks of the mad scientist’s legion are divided into 3 categories – Grunts, mini-bosses and main bosses. Grunts make up the main portion of what you’ll be fighting and can usually be dispatched with very little effort such as Punks  who run at you with no regard for their own welfare, Grease Monkeys who… slowly walk at you with no regard, Hunchbacks  who annoyingly latch on to you and must be shaken off and Commanders  who bounce around aimlessly while relentlessly puking all over the place just to name a few. Mini-bosses complete with their own health bar appear at times and provide a little tougher challenge like the Hand-Sniper  who assaults you with his telescoping arm (and wicked colonial wig) and main bosses like the Rhino Man present the most difficult challenge at the end of each stage. Learning the patterns and tendencies of the adversaries is your key to success as you plug away towards the final encounter and the Dudes eventual payday. 

As you enter the game, bad guys rush at you like your carrying the last Tickle Me Elmo on black Friday so don’t hesitate to show these Big Valley weirdos who the man is around here with your brute strength! While most of their attack patterns are relatively sparse, the enemy count is high and unrelenting so meet their challenge head-on with maximum crudeness (… or a refined strategy) for best results. Like most brawler games of this variety, punching and kicking is an effective way to bring the crude however when your a giant lumbering ape-man wearing a peace-jacket, body-slamming  just feels too good to ignore! Even strategically, throwing feels advantageous as you basically turn an enemy into a projectile to be hurled at more baddies which has the potential to take out more than one at a time – “BOWLING BALL STYLE”. The same “grab” command can be used to lift up random weapons and unleashed on your foes such as throwing cars, signs and traffic lights which makes it an important part of your arsenal!

Besides weapons, sodas can be obtained from “Power Cola” machines found throughout the game which refills your health. Attacking the side of it drops a can of soda which you can then pick up and subsequent hits (of course) releases more cans but beware landing too many blows on it before you’ve stopped to drink some as the machine will explode after awhile taking any cans on the ground with it to disintegration. At the end of each level, a “bonus stage” of sorts presents itself in the form of either 1 or both players bashing an additional Power Cola machine for even more health however this one will give a 1-up to whichever player can deliver the final explosion-causing hit on it adding a semblance of strategy to the affair as you balance between drinking sodas to heal and landing as many attacks as possible to ensure its destruction.

As far as the gameplay is concerned, Two Crude Dudes has good intentions to be a fun and different beat em’ up but it definitely feels lacking compared to other brawler counterparts. The absence of any kind of combo system (for instance) creates redundancy problems rather quickly in a genre that already suffers from it. Couple that with the one-note attack patterns of the adversaries and you’ve got a recipe for quick boredom. Even playing with a friend has its issues as sharing too close a space makes it easy to accidentally pick up and damage your co-op partner which is discouraging however I still find it to be a better experience to playing alone which is usually the case in these kinds of games. Despite all of this, the simple arcade nature that’s found here makes it easy to jump in and start bashing away at all the strange occupants of irradiated New York City so at least its got that going for it.

Control-wise Two Crude Dudes performs okay but is not without its struggles. It makes sense to play as 2 giant neanderthals beating the hell out of everyone but do they really need to move as slowly as they do? It feels like your wading through intangible viscosity as you gingerly plod from one side of the screen to the other which sucks! The hit detection feels fine but your t-rex punch and baby kick make it difficult to reach the bad guys without getting in close which often leaves you prone for an attack. Grabbing items or enemies feels awkward as well since there is no real indication of where your exactly supposed to be standing when you reach for something which leads to many empty grasps. While they’re adequate enough to not be game-breaking, ultimately the controls are below average for a beat em’ up requiring too much necessary adaptation overall in a genre known for its simplicity.

The sound department is certainly interesting to say the least with a combination of twangy music and bland effects. Most of the soundtrack feels appropriate with its heavy riffs and cool bass but it doesn’t crescendo the way I want it to which leaves me wanting more. Still, it’s actually kind of cool at times with an edgy and ear-blasting “Genesis Metal” motif that is befitting of the surrounding environment. The sound effects are totally forgettable and provide next to nothing to the experience overall which is a shame.

Visually, Two Crude Dudes impresses me with some cool sprite designs and colorful backgrounds but it’s certainly not anything overly special. While many of those aforementioned backdrops look vibrant, too much of the foreground dissolves away (pretty much no matter what stage your on) into a bland menagerie of greys, blues and yellows which not only stales the eyes but also makes it tricky to tell which items can be picked up causing frustration. Some of the scrolling effects are a little disorienting at times as well which induces a small bit of nausea if I stare at it for too long but overall it’s a minor complaint as you don’t experience it too often. It’s an interesting idea to include a comic book style visual sound effect whenever you make impact on an adversary but the novelty on this wears out rather quickly and just sort of fades away after you see it the first couple of times. The real high point here is the awesomely wacky character designs who all look distinctive while providing the largest portion of the game’s personality and style which prevents my feelings in this department from being too dampened. 

Gee… I wonder if a game called Two Crude Dudes has any ‘tude in it ? You control buff badasses whose literal job is to clean up a dystopian New York City by beating the crap out of an army of mutant freaks all for the sake of money ! That alone would probably be enough to send the ‘Tude Meter to its happy place but you also rock sunglasses like a boss, throw big enough projectiles at your enemies to completely pulverize them and walk among some of the most randomly funny graffiti you’ll ever encounter in a video game (seriously though, who’s tagging “banana”  out here and why???). Besides all of that, you fight tanks with your fists and can also bodyslam (… or perhaps TANKSLAM) them which is just so beautifully ridiculous! A+ in this category for sure.

What a weird game! On the one hand the concept is really cool with some exceptionally interesting sprite designs and background graphics but on the other, the pace is unforgivably monotonous and the controls too stiff and lacking. While there’s no doubt that Two Crude Dudes fits into the Sega Genesis library perfectly just by title alone, its less-than-stellar performance overall cripples its chances at standing out amidst a very deep genre that just quite simply has better options everywhere you look. It’s a shame too since the ‘tude factor here is extremely high which raises my affinity towards it tenfold but it suffers too much from bland gameplay to break free from its shackles of boredom. It does however make me thirsty for a soda… time to start attacking some vending machines ! 

---

Critical Analysis

3/5 Two Crude Dudes does what it can to stand out from the pack but ultimately comes up short in the gameplay department. The flow is stunted with a lack of creativity and character moves compared to other beat em’ ups which leads to a feeling of monotony rather quickly. Luckily, it has co-op support which raises its value while also being simple enough to be played on auto-pilot making it a breeze for anyone to jump right in and start bashing heads though don’t expect to want to stay TOO long.

2/5 Definitely not a fan of the controls here. While they are serviceable enough (I guess), they’re just not forgivable in relation to how your character moves which is obviously extremely important within a brawler game that values simplicity. Slow muscle-bound mongoloids seem like cool characters for a beat em’ up on paper but I’ll take the more nimble agility from the Lee brothers or Ninja Turtles any day!

4/5 Despite the soundtrack’s odd cadence and the practically non-existent effects, ultimately I can’t help but like the twangy music that fills your ears while your chucking cars at Big Valley’s goons. Certain Genesis games just massage my brain with that kick-ass “fuzzy electronic static sound” and this is definitely one of them. I have to say if I’m ever wandering around a broken city inhabited by blue dobermans, ape-men and mad bombers, this is definitely the kind of soundtrack that will be playing in my head as I clobber my way to a giant cash payday!

3/5 While there is certainly some aspects of the visual department that I would consider memorable, at the end of the day I can’t muster a higher rating as there seems to be just as many that are forgettable. The sprite designs are unique as hell and easily my favorite thing about the graphics but the color is mostly blah, the animations redundant and the stages lacking in creativity (even with all of the dumb graffiti and hot dog signs around). Gotta mention the rad as hell New York City landscape that adorn many of these levels as they instantly put my mind into “sci-fi mode” which certainly eases your transition from reality to Crudeville.

If there’s one category where Two Crude Dudes makes The ‘Tude Dude happy it’s this one. I mean your goal is to beat the ever-living crap out of a ton of mad scientist experiments, punch tank with your fists, hurl large objects at SUSPECTING foes, umm you punch tanks with your fists, its got a cool and interesting premise, err… punch tanks with your fis… no seriously, YOU LITERALLY GET IN A FISTFIGHT WITH A TANK ! Yeah you can like pick it up and everything which I have to admit makes me feel an entire smidgen better about mankind as a whole.

Average game GEEZ what an odd game! Two Crude Dudes is without question pure honest-to-goodness meh showcasing unremarkable metrics in nearly every category of conventional criticism while avoiding the bottom of the toxic waste barrel with its ‘tudey design and co-op support putting it somewhere in the mediocre middle. It’s a second-rate beat em’ up overall when compared to many of its contemporaries but it’s just unique enough to recommend for unintentional comedies sake (which is more than can be said for most). I’ll be the first to admit too that I’m a huge sucker for arcade ports especially when they’re done with the semblance of transition that’s displayed here but there’s too many detriments that prevent Two Crude Dudes from getting played as often as it wants you to. At least they improved on the title for the Genesis version by adding the always high-class word “Dudes” into the mix (known as just Two Crude in the arcades… Shouldn’t it be Too Crude?) virtually guaranteeing its impulse-appeal to curious “shoot-from-the-hip” gamers (Sega’s obvious demographic). Genesis DOES indeed!   The most glaring disappointment to me here is the finicky controls as it never feels quite comfortable to grab things or maneuver your lumbering oaf which greatly effects the fun factor and my final rating as it probably could have improved an octave with basic enhancements in this one category alone. Spamming the throw is pretty darn hilarious though as waves of Big Valley goons are reconstituted as human pins getting bowled over by any and everything in their path that’s projectile-worthy (including street signs, vehicles and many of the adversaries themselves)! Did I mention that you punch tanks with your fists? I know, I can’t get over it but it’s AMAZING and probably the biggest reason I can muster to endorse this game so at least it has that going for it. In the end, The ‘Tude Dude’s Two Crude Dude’s (???) experience ends up as somewhat of a disappointment with yet another less-than-stellar release involving a game associated with the word “dudes” though it’s certainly not as cringe-worthy as the choppy Bad Dudes on the NES so take whatever you can get I suppose.

---

---

“Hey Pyromaniac , Smokey the Bear doesn’t approve of your antics and neither do I!”

---

---

Thanks for reading! Questions/Remarks/Suggestions?
Leave below in the comments section or…

E-Mail The ‘Tude Dude
radwriting@thetudedude.com

Follow The ‘Tude Dude

-Pushing Reviews to the EDGE!

Published by